Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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