Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
