In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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