we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
