help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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