You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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