Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
