is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
