its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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