i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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