I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
