I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
