I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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