I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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