I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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