You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
