The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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