So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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