I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize