so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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