A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
