Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
