Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
