My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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