so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
