i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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