There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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