Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize