Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I can text with my tongue
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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