Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
