I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
