my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
