to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
