New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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