I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
