Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
