Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There r osticjed everywhere
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single