Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.