This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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