exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
