it was like eating out sand paper
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
