normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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