do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
