im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
