I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
