He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off