Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
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he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor