Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.