Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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