I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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