wanna go halves on a baby?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
