ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
