Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
