Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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