i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
