Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
