Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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