I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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