Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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