Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
